there are times when i look at my life and i feel grateful for all the stuff that i have in it. there are times when this feeling is so powerful it brings tears to my eyes. my folks always told me how special i was; my dad used to call me his princess just like probably most loving dads usually call their daughters. my mom wasn’t so plastic about it but there was a point when she said she thought i was strong enough to walk over dead people’s bodies. it wasn’t an argument; it was a cold headed remark while we were talking a long walk on the beach… can you believe it? can you believe my mom actually said that about me? i was amazed… i was shocked… i was speechless.. i didn’t react at her remark and she didn’t make any further comments about it; but i felt as if i must have disappointed her somehow, i felt she must have gotten the wrong impression about me, why else would she think i am a monster, i of all people, her daughter, a selfish little monster..
i drove about 500 km today… i drove my little red car from chisinau to bucharest. a 7 hours drive more or less. for many people that’s nothing. for many people that’s something they would never consider. for me, that’s a milestone; i was a spoiled child, i still am. driving was too much of a hassle for me for a long time. i only got my driving license because my parents insisted i should do it. when they saw me driving they got concerned since we only had one car for all of us to share (good old times); the deal was if you have money to pay for possible damage to the car, you may get to drive the car, if you’d rather spend your crappy scholarship on clothes though, you may not:)) and yes, no doubt, i did prefer clothes to driving the car:))
crappy or not, i did get scholarships, and i did get a first class degree, and then went to do a master abroad. i got a really good education because that was the thing that both my parents strongly believed in and strongly supported me in doing. they were also very careful to make sure nothing else seems more exciting and rewarding than getting a good education (reason for which “An Education” is one of my favorites). on the other hand, yes my love life sucked… but i didn’t get pregnant before getting my diploma, which as harsh as it may sound to some women, it remains a pretty good advice. the point of this is that i did get the education my parents dreamed of and then i did get the job i actually always dreamed of. and among many other amazing perks that came with this job (of which 10 other posts would not be enough to talk about), it made it possible for me to buy my sweet little red car.
my sweet little red car was bought in the summer of 2010. when i bought it they instructed me to come for our first check-up in one year’s time or if i hit 15.000 km. by the next summer i only had 4.000 km on board and that’s mostly because my brother kindly offered to take it out for a ride from time to time to make sure it didn’t forget what it was designed and built for. i was afraid of it. i was so afraid of it i’d rather use taxis and public transportation even if it made so much more sense to just get the car and drive where i had to go. it felt as if there was no telling what the car might decide to do as i was driving it. what if something happens and it decides to stop in the middle of the road? what if something happens and the breaks don’t respond fast enough, what do you mean i should hear the engine and realize when to change the gears? i don’t hear anything! oh i should have changed already? how do you park it without touching anyone or anything else? what if there’s a major crisis situation? what then??
today, i drove the 500 km from chisinau to bucharest in 7 hours. in the meantime i didn’t hit the 15.000 km but i do have around 8 or 9.000 on board. today was a milestone not because of the numbers but because i felt confident. i felt sure of myself and of my car, of what it can do, and most importantly of the fact that my watch and its’ design will take me home safely. confident enough to listen to the radio and shout out the lyrics of the songs, confident enough to enjoy the sunshine and go through the pouring rain, confident enough to remain calm and respectfully avoid freestyle drivers, confident enough to enjoy it.
and i felt grateful for it. my mom didn’t think i was a selfish despicable little monster, she knew i have a strong character. she knew i have the will to learn even things i thought i dreaded. and not just master them, but she knew i would learn how to enjoy them; my own fears were those dead people’s bodies she referred to and she was right, i am slowly but surely stepping on each and every one of them.